Toxic stew served over nice

Never in a million years would I ever have thought that I’d be experiencing the kind of toxic energy I dealt with at my last job. I’m gonna leave out the company name and who I’m referring to, just to be on the safe side and since the owners were always pretty decent towards me. So I have nothing against them personally. Let me give you some background on what I’m talking about.

I was on my early retirement in 2019, enjoying a much needed break from being overworked and unhappy from the work I was doing as a customer service rep for the previous 20 years. I was living comfortably on my savings, but started to run low and needed to find a job quickly. So I wrote down on paper what I felt would be all the requirements of a “dream job.” Not long after, I’d say maybe a month or less, I got a text from my best friend about a job she was doing and asked me for some meditation tips. Knowing meditation is my jam, I texted her with some ideas, but also asked what this job was, since I was looking. Turns out, the job was right up my alley AND it matched almost ALL of the things I wrote on my list. This was what I considered my dream job so I applied and got hired that day. About a year in, I realized how much I loved my job and how our team felt like a family, from the way we all goofed around with each other. I mean…we DID get on each other’s nerves too, but we’d resolve our issues quickly because we cared. I’d even say we loved each other. Eventually our director would get his own center and the assistant director stepped up to fill the role and that’s when all hell broke loose. I had already experienced her rude behavior on several occasions…saying little condescending things and using a condescending tone that I typically brushed off, only to be met a day or so later with some kind of token of “niceness.” I didn’t catch on at first…that every time there was some act of disrespect, there would be a “plant that I got you” or a “health shot that I grabbed for you while I was out.” She was creating an abuse cycle and I hadn’t even realized it before. Finally one day I called her out on it and a few weeks later, her solution was to send me to another center, because we “just don’t get along.” Watching her use that “innocent” voice when she talked to people, knowing how venomous she could be, just made me escape to my office and close the door many times. I remember this one day at quitting time, we discussed me going to the store the next morning as a courtesy, to buy things for the center. I agree and she hands me the card to shop. The next day or so, I hear her call me into her office, with an accusatory tone of irritation. Apparently she was mixed up and was asking me where the card was and rudely saying I needed to go to the store. My coworker and I both reminded her that I’d gone already and that I gave her the card back. We were even pointing out the receipt in front of her on the desk. The next day, that same coworker told me that she called our director out on her behavior, suggesting that she was wrong for speaking to me like that but said the director’s only reply was “y’all are too sensitive.” 

We were all recently called back after a 2 month furlough and I made the decision to go my own way.  Oh and get this…that director was the one who called me!

Are there more like me?!

Lately, I’ve felt it more and more, although I’ve felt it all my life…not feeling like I belong here. Or to say it better, where do I belong and are there others out there like me? I’m serious man, ’cause for years, I have never felt like I matched with anybody I was hanging out with or dating at all. Don’t get me wrong, I had good friends that I hung out with and family and stuff, but it didn’t matter. And it wasn’t like I wanted to kill myself because of it either. I just always recognized that I didn’t fit in well…even down to my looks. It was almost like I felt like a transplant from another place, that was just plopped here on earth (that’s the best thing I could think to say guys lol).

Just to be clear, I am NOT at all suicidal and this is NOT a cry for help or anything. It’s just that in the past several months, this “different” thing has really gotten louder, due to my attention to how people have been showing up lately. Sometimes I feel like it’s bad to be the way I am, which is empathetic of others, loving and very caring of others…kind of like how children are to everybody they meet. I’m still very much like I was, as a child; playing in the grass, oohing and aweing at cool things I see, being/sounding nice, smiling at people and saying “hi” or “good morning.” That’s me in a nutshell. Growing up into my young adult years, I caught a lot of flak for stuff like. I heard stuff like, “get your head out of the clouds” and “you’re so silly.” Sometimes you can just feel it, when you KNOW people are or have been talking about you behind your back, ’cause they can’t understand you! Actually, it’s kind of cool, standing out from the crowd.

I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery and self-love for a little bit now and I’m watching my old ways of thinking and being fall away. I’ve been trying to hold on to the “old” with a Kung-Fu grip, but the Universe keeps putting me in scenarios where I’m FORCED to learn lessons about myself and how to be a new and better human. It’s actually pretty neat though, because when I come out the other side of the lesson, I’m new and improved every time! I’ve been looking at my actions, taking more accountability in the role I’ve been playing in said scenarios, making corrections to my behavior, correcting my diet and working to go more natural with my skin! I guess you can say I’m in the chrysalis state, soon to emerge a beautiful butterfly! Until then, what you get is what you see…Perfectly imperfect, Jenifer B!

Just jump!

Just in case you’re struggling with a decision of whether or not to do “it,” (insert whatever you need, to represent the “it”) I’m here to add my 2 cents, in hopes to be able to help you know what decision to finally make. What decision have you been struggling to make? Ok, wait… before you answer that question, (while you’re thinking about it), let me tell you about a decision that I finally made about something I’d been struggling with for a very long time! Maybe this will help!

Quick back story first: I’m the type of person that will keep doing something for years, especially if it seems to be working, like keeping a job, ‘cuz it’s paying the bills. Don’t get me wrong, being a consistent person is not a bad thing, it’s just the complacency that kicks in, that ends up being the problem! Like I said, I don’t mind being a consistent and reliable type of person at all. I’ve lived in the same apartment for years, driven the same car for years and had the same job for year, but I’m not complaining. Being someone that can be counted on, feels really good actually. It makes people trust you, so it’s a good trade off. It’s when you wake up one day and realize that you’ve been doing the same thing for so long, that you start to dread one more day of said thing. That’s what my story is about…dreading the same thing over and over, but not seeing a way out!

I’d worked at my job for over 20 years, doing customer service. I started in 1998, following a short stint in telemarketing, TAing outbound calls and couldn’t stand it. That nearly drove me into a mental breakdown. I would make bonuses on just about every check, but I still wasn’t happy calling people at home. So, one day after absolutely having enough, I put my 2 weeks’ notice in and left to pursue my career in inbound customer service, which I’d wanted to do for years. I loved inbound customer service calls. Over the years, I grew better and better at handling customer inquiries and excelled very fast with my performance. I also did a tiny bit of training in other departments, just to break up the monotony of the same routine, day in and day out. Then to add some excitement, I made myself a self-proclaimed spirit maker, decorating everybody’s desk for their work anniversaries and birthdays. I was so consistent that it started feeling like another job I was doing. I’d come in super early, just to get someone’s desk all done up with lots of balloons and all their favorite color streamers…it made my heart feel good. I was really good at it, until I got word that my boss was going to have me work with a teammate of mine, that didn’t even like that kind of stuff. After a while, I just stopped doing it altogether, telling myself it was because I didn’t want to work with another person decorating, but really, I had grown tired of it anyway. I was bored and trying to reinvent myself, instead of just quitting and leaving.

Then one day in 2019, I took some FMLA time off and called in to report my hours. The girl on the other end of the line told me I didn’t have hours left, so the day I took off was unpaid. They had canceled my FMLA altogether, because I was short due to a previous leave I had taken, and the time hadn’t been accumulated back yet. I was devastated. She said it wouldn’t be until 2020 that I could take paid FMLA time off and that propelled me to finally take some action and leave! I wasn’t angry, just a little hurt that this happened, but then realized that the Universe was helping me move! So, I applied to retire early, (which ended up being a super easy process) and let go of my medical and dental so I’d have more money to survive on, until the next job came along. I withdrew my entire 401k and pension and did not pay any fees at all. At tax time, everything worked out perfectly for me and I even got a refund back!

The moral of the story is…

Sometimes, we just have to know it will be ok and close our eyes and jump! I had been at my job for 21 years and never thought I’d get the courage to leave. I was thankful for the income, but miserable due to being stagnant. I’m so glad my FMLA was canceled, because I probably would still be at that job, waiting for a sign to leave and not taking action! TAKE ACTION!!

Coming from under the rubble

I’m a very creative person.  I can draw, I played the clarinet, I sing(well mostly to myself, other than one time at a restaurant that had karaoke and hardly any customers lol), I danced for 4 years in High School in something called The Magnet program, where we got to travel to other places to perform, I love writing and I’m even a self-proclaimed comedian(insert chuckle here).  Gee…when I type it all out, I can really see just how much talent I actually have, but what happened?!  All of a sudden, one day you’re sitting at your desk at work or maybe even just waking up in the morning , laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and it dawns on you…”I’ve lost myself!”

It’s the oddest feeling when you realize that you’ve been somewhat like a zombie for many years of your life.  This is what’s been happening to me over the past couple of years…recapping what I’ve been doing and how I could possibly have drifted so far away from myself for so long.  It’s very subtle…the drifting.  I can’t even remember when the transition happened, when I went from someone who showed up to every function when invited, whipping out my sketch pad and drawing amazing pictures on the fly, hanging out with friends for nothing more than just to be silly and kick back, to someone who would just go to work, the grocery store and then back home, just to start it all over again the next day.  I think I was sitting at my desk one day, when I started asking myself, “what are you doing?”  A part of me almost didn’t mind the mundane routine…it felt stable and controllable.  Maybe that was my problem…wanting to control things, so that way I wouldn’t lose control.  I was on autopilot. It was kind of like “Set it and forget it” living. I had been on my job at that point for about 20 years and I knew my job, whether I was happy doing it or not, I knew my job and did it very well.  Then something strange started happening to me, something I hadn’t allowed myself to do in years…I started wondering what life would be like, if I stepped out on faith, told the Universe I deserve better and just went with the flow.  The next thing I know, my mindset starts to change and I start speaking about my job as if I was leaving.  I started thanking my job for blessing me to have been there for so many years, but I saying it in past tense, like I had already started the process of retiring.  I’m not saying that it was my job that was the reason that I felt like a robot, but it had a whole lot to do with everything else I was feeling.

When I finally built up the nerve, I retired early, last year in 2019.  I would say that the retirement itself is what freed me, but it wasn’t.  It was how my mindset started changing a few years prior…the retirement was a result of that mindset.  In 2019, I cried out to the Universe, saying “I deserve the very best you have for me!”  I had never in life, used those words before, because of the fear of things actually getting better for me.  Weird huh?!  Well in my head, I knew that once I gave myself permission to have a better life, things would start to change for the better and fast. I just was just scared to death of any change at all, even if it meant freeing myself.  Now as of 2020, I’ve been seeing myself in a whole different light. I’ve been “wanting” the healing and seeking out different ways to do it.  I’m being myself now, making hilarious posts on Facebook, where I used to hold back, because I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes, mostly meaning my job.  I even started loving me more, giving myself pedicures at home, cleansing my body, going for long walks and I even do self talk in the mirror, reminding my inner child that she’s beautiful and safe.  I could go on, but I think you’ve gotten the picture by now.  It’s like I was buried under all this rubble, in the form of my job, feeling lost, insecurities and fear of the unknown, but I could still see this small crack of light.  Then, the new life that’s been waiting for me, reached it’s hand in and pulled me out.

May you also see that small crack of light.

Faith like a cat lying in wait

I was watching a mama cat the other morning, that was watching some doves that she planned to pounce on the moment the time was right.  It got me thinking about something:  If you’ve ever watched cats when they’re hunting, they are the most optimistic, confident and expectant creatures, I think I’ve ever seen.  No really…that cat laid down in the rocks, well before any birds had even landed near her, then she just waited.   I couldn’t stop watching her lol.  Then all of a sudden a dove landed close by, then another, yet, the cat never moved a muscle or made a sound.  She just watched them very closely…one false move was all she needed.  I didn’t know whether to root for the cat, hoping she’d catch food for her kittens or the birds, hoping they’d get away in time lol.  Then suddenly, one dove flies away, then the second one follows, but the cat stays laying there, in the same position, not moving and still just waiting.  You know what I was actually witnessing in that moment?!  I watched true faith in action.  That mama cat came from across the street, laid in a perfect spot and simply waited, “knowing” she’d be successful.  She didn’t have a doubt in her mind as to whether or not she was gonna catch a bird.  And even though she didn’t catch one while I was watching, she still laid there, trusting that it was going to happen eventually.  She could’ve tried to pounce on ’em the second they landed, ruining her secret position and scaring ’em away, but she kept her cool and stayed patient.  

Something else I thought of…she knew the perfect spot to lay down, expecting birds to land there and they did.  She followed her inner voice I guess you could say.  She didn’t question it, but followed it and it led her right to the birds.  The lesson in all of this for me, was that I need to be like that cat.  She had an intention, which was to feed her babies, followed her instincts that led her to where the food would be and stayed patient, knowing that at some point, she’ll catch that bird. We all need to be more like the cat:  expect, believe it will happen and move in confidence, even if it doesn’t happen that very second, stay calm and know that it’s coming.  We have to have faith like a cat laying in wait.

The weird little bear on the bench (true story)

 

Ok you guys, I got another true and bizarre, paranormal story that I experienced and I’m interested in what you think may have happened. It’s a weird story😟.

So some years back, in ’99, my manager gave us all gifts at work, ‘cuz she was leaving for good. She gave ME this little brown bear, that had a tiny maroon ribbon tied around it’s neck making a bow, that was sitting on a bench… not in a package, just the bear and bench. The bench was literally like a real bench that had rod iron sides that were painted black, with real wooden panels that made the seat and back rest…I loved it.

I took the bear and bench home and put it on the back of my toilet, making sure I centered it right in the middle, so it wouldn’t fall off. Ironically, it even matched my maroon bathroom decor, so this was perfect for me. Over that weekend I had family over…I think it was a Saturday night… just to hang and eat. My nephews and nieces came too, so there was a lot of runnin’ around in the apartment of course. The next night, I’m sitting in the living room, talking on the phone (oddly enough, that’s what I was doing in my other story I told you guys) and I hear something in the background. I lived by myself so nobody would’ve been in the apartment, which made me immediately start to freak out of course lol. I put the phone down to go look for the cause of the noise, lookin’ in my bedroom first, then in the bathroom. After a couple minutes, I finally realize, that the freakin’ bear AND bench are not on the back of the toilet! What the heck ?! Something tells me to look over in the shower. Real quick…the shower and the toilet had an empty space between ’em, so you could actually stand in between the toilet and the shower. The shower door was open and the bear and bench are sitting in the shower, upside down, like something tossed them in there. Guys…this bench actually had a little weight to it, so how would this weighted bench, magically jump over into shower?! As with the other story I shared with you guys, I just stood there, then headed straight into denial, telling myself it must’ve been moving inch by inch, from Saturday night to Sunday night, from all the runnin’ the children were doing. Yeah…that’s it! (lol)

Needless to say, I tossed the bear and the bench in the dumpster. I didn’t throw it away immediately though, I had it in my trunk for a couple days at first lol. I think I did that with the intention of giving it to Goodwill, but I thought to myself that I didn’t want that happening to anyone else, so then I tossed it. Did my manager freakin’ know about this?! Did she possibly have the same thing happen, so that’s why she gave it away?! I should never have taken a gift that wasn’t in a box, but how was I suppose to know there was something attached to it?!

What was that noise?!

Question: (TRUE STORY) Have you guys ever experienced watching a scary movie, then something weird or unexplained happens after? I asked ‘cuz I saw this scary movie a couple years ago at the theatre called “VVitch,” then decided to buy it and watch it at home. I won’t lie…I love scary movies. Not gory ones, but suspense/scary. Anyway, so after I watched it, I was sitting on the couch talking on the phone and I hear something back in my room. Now, I’m home alone, so there shouldn’t be ANY noise anywhere in my place. I get up to go see what it was and notice something SUPER crazy with my curtains. So that you can understand why I say it was crazy…there’s a single rod that has two ends to it, that I hung on nails. The curtain is one panel, instead of two panels(or pieces), so to even get the rod off the wall, you’d have to unhook it from over the nails, but push the curtain back some first. I wasn’t prepared for what I saw.  Do you know, that the freakin’ rod was OFF THE NAIL ON THE WALL and the curtain WAS PUSHED BACK ON THE ROD!!! And no…no one was in my place, the window was not open and I had not been messing with the curtain or the rod at all. It never, ever moves at all. That day, it was as if something, scooted the curtain back and pulled one side of the rod down. I’ve never experienced anything like that with any other scary movie I’ve bought and watched at home, until that one. I just stood there, looked at it, fought off the fear (lolol), headed straight into denial and just shrugged my shoulders. Do I need to tell you that I got rid of that movie the first chance I got lol?! Not sure what that was to this day. 😕

Ew…She skipped a step

     One day, years back, I saw an old work friend at Target. We spoke and then both ended up going to the restroom at the same time. Since there’s really nothing else to do in there, while preparing to “conduct business,” you tend to be very alert to what’s happening in the other stalls😆. You almost kinda expect things to go in a certain order, like:  1)door close 2)the sound of the toilet seat paper being grabbed then laid out 3)then the creak of the toilet when you sit(we all listen for it, don’t judge me😂). All of a sudden…to my HORROR, after clearly hearing steps 1 and 3 , I realized, people…THAT THERE WAS NO STEP 2! She skipped the most crucial of steps! The step of all steps! Sure, she could’ve easily been squatting, as I do on many occasions, but not in this case, that step was clearly missed. “What’s the moral of this story,” you ask?! Wear your headphones when you go to public restrooms, then you won’t be repulsed!!! 😂😂😂

I salute you, don’t give up

To anyone that has lost someone, felt low, didn’t feel good enough, questioned their choices, wondered “why me,” wished they were never born, felt like giving up, cried their eyes out, felt alienated and alone, didn’t think they looked good enough and so on, I salute you. I salute you for giving it one more try today. We will be fine, you hear me…we will be fine!  We all dip low some days, don’t beat yourself up. You’re ok.  Just take a minute, take a breath.  Just keep going, ok?! Keep going!🦋🌷

Seriously…Suicide?!

I know the title is kind of “in your face,” but it’s a 9-1-1 situation going on out there and I needed to put my two cents in, asap.  A friend of mine was passing me one day at work(years ago now), we spoke real quick and both went on our way.  I remember I was having a kind of funky day and I was a little glad we spoke so briefly, because I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  Little did I know, he felt the same way, but only magnified.   A few hours later, they announced he committed suicide.  You can imagine the extreme guilt I felt weeks later, feeling like, had I known he was about to take his life that very day, I could have stopped him or something.  I get it, things hurt some of us so deep that in our minds the only possible solution is end it all.  Trust me, I’ve had flashes in my mind of that same thing, when things seemed hopeless to fix.  I would catch myself though and shift my thinking to something that felt better.  Sometimes there is an answer to the issue you’re dealing with, even if in your mind you feel like there is no possible way to resolve it.  Remember that since your thoughts are out of whack, you’re not going to be able to see clearly at all.  But, someone that is not in your same state of mind, “can” see the light at the end of the tunnel, so you need to reach out to someone…anyone.  Give your family and friends a chance to help, versus ending it all and they never get an opportunity to do anything.  We all have demons from the past and present, trust me.  Hey, sometimes you may need to start crying out to God, the Universe or to whoever you see fit to be able to help.  I’ve been to a point several times where I was down on the carpet sobbing so hard until I felt like I would throw up.  Every now and then you need a really good cry to sort of clear out the tension and stress.  Give yourself a time limit though of feeling sorry for yourself, so you can start down that road to healing and sunlight.  There is always a solution to every single problem, but you have to seek help from somewhere.  Please don’t allow your tricky mind to make you think you have no one or that everyone is against you, because that is just not true at all.  Stay strong, stay sharp and stay looking for an ear, a friend or anyone that can help you.  Come on…suicide?!  That’s the best you got?!  You are way better than that!  You are powerful, you are unique, you have gifts, you are loved and you have a whole bunch of goodness inside you that we are all waiting for you to sprinkle on us!!  There’s still time to shine, if you’d be so kind.  I’m sending you loads of happiness, smiles and love, use it to your advantage!  Peace